I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
