Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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