his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
