mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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