Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
