Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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