i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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