atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
