I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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