im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
