You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
