He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
