I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
