So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
