Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
