I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
