so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
