Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
