i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
