its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
