I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
