you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
