college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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