My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
