the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
