One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
tell me about the eggs
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
