please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
