I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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