I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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