We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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