i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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