Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
