chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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