I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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