Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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