if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
