Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
