My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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