Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
