Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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