I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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