i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
