Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
