Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
