70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
