her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I deserve this hangover.
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