i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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