so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
