I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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