I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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