Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
