Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
