I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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