he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
