This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
