Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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